....on being a Mother

Monday May 12

Yesterday was Mother’s day. Before church I was looking through an old prayer journal and found when I dedicated my marriage and  both Cody & Courtney back to you. I wrote,

“I dedicate my marriage to you Lord that you could use us as examples to

our families and children ...through our trials you will show us you  have

the answers. I thank you now for all the blessings you will give us and the

tribulations that you will see us through. I dedicate [Cody & Courtney] to

you….Lead me and Jamie to teach and raise them according to your word…

with every illness & every trial [they face], you will remind us that they are

yours and that you are allowing those circumstances to occur [for a reason]

....through your strength and power, Lord, we will make it through [anything

we must face].”

Our church had baby dedication yesterday as well. It was nice to come across that entry in my journal and then watch an official ceremony right after it. I know that when I dedicated Courtney on that 4th day of June in 1998, it was very emotional for me. We lived in Southaven, Ms. She was nineteen months old.

I believe it was as hard for me to ‘give her away’ then as it will be for her dad to walk her down the wedding aisle (not anytime soon).  I remember I was crying and thinking I do not know if the world would have a savior today if it had been left up to me to let my son die on the cross. I was only giving her back to Him by my word, I was not offering her life on a cross. Having a type A personality, and not one to easily relinquish control, I felt as if I was physically handing her over to someone else. And it hurt deeply...strange I know, but true.

In 1 Samuel it begins with Elkanah who is married to Hannah and Peninnah.  Peninnah had many children by Elkanah and Hannah was unable to have any. Penninah would “provoke her [Hannah] in order to irritate her” until she wept and refused to eat. (v 6-7) Elkanah could not understand why she allowed Penninah’s words to hurt her so bad. He felt his presence should have been enough to fill the void she had concerning not having children. [He just didn’t get it]. Hannah wept and poured out her soul to the Lord and she made a vow saying, “ O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

I know how Hannah felt. Prior to Courtney, I had lost three babies and desperately  wanted a child of my own. Shortly after learning I was pregnant, I began spotting and was immediately placed on bedrest for what seemed like forever- 1st trimester. It was during that time that I promised God if He would just give me this one child, I would do everything in my power to raise her according to His word - not religion- and that when He instructed me to, I would give her back to Him.

So that day in Southaven, when I knew He was prompting me to give her back, I wept as hard as I did the day I begged to keep her. But He had kept His promise by allowing me to hold her in my arms and love her the best I knew how and now it was my turn to keep my promise. At the time I was giving (dedicating) her back to God, I did not know how much peace it would offer me down the road. The times I felt powerless over her life, I would remind Him that she was His and it was His responsibility to protect her when I couldn’t.

I did my best to teach her about the Word of God and show her how God moved in our family and our lives. I knew I had to let her wings break out of the cocoon on their own- with Him watching- not me prying them open in an effort to only assist. Jamie and I have been able to go on trips without her and without being 'scared' something would happen. I do not think I would have had the peace to take any overnight trip without her if I had not given her back to Him.

When she faces struggles, I try so hard not to interfere. I try to remind her that we do not know why God is allowing her to go through the trials she faces, but she needs to trust Him to use them for His glory. I've tried to teach her to do all she can about any situation she faces and trust God to do the rest- especially with test [like algebra..uugh]. She is a lot like her mother with wanting to be 'perfect' in all she does. I am so very proud of her for achieving and doing her best, I am still working on helping her to celebrate her accomplishments, the baby steps that take her to her goals. She just wants to achieve the goals in a zap-uugghh the microwave society we live in.

I am so blessed to be a mom and after begging to be one, I  don't want to take it for granted. I know there are many that longed for that job title and for some reason God didn't allow it to happen. I pray for those that God will give you comfort and peace about it and one day hopefully you will have your answer as to why He didn’t allow it to come to pass. Working in the field of pediatrics for over 8 years, I have often questioned God as to why He chooses to 'allow' some to have children that will simply throw them in the trash and not those who would do anything to rescue that one from the trash.

All of this to say, I am blessed and God has given me the Greatest gift I could have asked for in her. Despite all our disagreements, moments of anger toward each other, and days of not liking each other, there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for her if I could. Unfortunately, I’m not always allowed to. I have accepted my responsibility of not doing some of those things, when God tells me not to- I don’t know who cries more me or her- but those are stories for another day. I love you Courtney, you have made me one proud mom!

Let Them See You in Me

My Prayer 

"Let Them See You"

Take away the melodies
Take away the songs I sing
Take away all the lights
And all the songs You let me write
Does the man I am today
Say the words You need to say

Let them see You
In me
Let them hear You
When I speak
Let them feel You
When I sing
Let them see You
Let them see You
In me

Who am I without Your grace
Another smile, another face
Another breath, a grain of sand
Passing quickly through Your hand
I'd give my life, an offering
Take it all, take everything

Let them see You
In me
Let them hear You
When I speak
Let them feel You
When I sing
Let them see You
Let them see You
In me

With every breath I breathe
I sing a simple melody
But I pray they'll hear more than a song
In me, in me

Let them see You
In me
Let them hear You
When I speak
Let them feel You
When I sing
Let them see You

Oh, let them see You
In me
Let them hear You
When I speak
Let them feel You
When I sing
Let them see You
Just let them see You in me
Let them see You

Your Vision Determines Your Direction

[The link to the Legacy sermon- is last week's sermon. This weeks sermon is not posted yet]
  
 So yesterday I did not go to church due to a busy weekend that prevented me from completing all the necessary task that needed to be accomplished. We were having a baptismal service in the park in the afternoon so I wanted to be completed with my tasks so that I could attend that without thinking about what was still left undone. Our church -Wellspring- airs the services online, so I planned to watch on my computer.
     As often times occurs living in the country, my internet decides when it wants to work. And of course it would not work at all during the first service. Since I could not complete my tasks-most of which were online and I could not watch the service I decided to finish the last few chapters of Isaiah and cut out encouraging words for my journal page.
     Low and behold, it was as if the devil said, "Well crap, if she is going to study the bible anyway, I may as well let the internet work". And it began to work just as praise and worship was ending during second service. I had already finished what I was study and here are the encouraging words and images I had already cut out for my journal entry.

 

     Then Pastor Paul began to preach on the sermon series "Legacy". He used Genesis 15: 1-5 as his reference and stated your vision determines your direction. That is what I was focusing on prior to hearing his vision. You can't see in this picture what I have written in the upper left hand corner. "Increase in [studying] God's Word. Expansion is inevitable with daily visits". After Pastor Paul's message I added "Look up!" in the top right corner. I don't want to take away from his message so go check it out. I just thought it was neat that I was on the same track- or at least felt like I was. And my focus for my journal entry was going to be on my vision for my future.                                               

In a Rut, but Called, Cared For & not Disappointed

I hate it when I get in a rut. Sometimes when I read the bible, I feel like I’m just going through the motions. That is the main reason I try so hard to figure out how it applies to me. I feel like I have been in Isaiah forever and that it will never end. I think that is mainly because it is so difficult to grasp and apply to my own life. I will likely finish Chapter 49-there are only 5 more verses- and then venture on to something new for awhile. I will return to finish Isaiah at a later date. But next week, it will be something new.

*THE SCRIPTURE USED TODAY  Isaiah 49:22 This is what the Sovereign Lord says:“See, I will beckon to the nations,    I will lift up my banner to the peoples;they will bring your sons in their arms    and carry your daughters on their hips.23 Kings will be your foster fathers,    and their queens your nursing mothers.They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground;    they will lick the dust at your feet.Then you will know that I am the Lord;    those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”

*MY INTERPRETATION: I encourage all to follow me. They will see the sign I show you and THEY will gather up your children and bring them back to where I have called you. The rulers of the land will look after you and meet your needs. They will greet you with respect and be humble before you- I’m not too sure what to think about “licking the dust”...not sure if that is literal or figurative...any bible scholars out there that can elaborate?- By these things you will know that I am the Lord and by placing your hope in me you will not be disappointed.

*MY RESEARCH & REFLECTIONS OF THE PASSAGE APPLIED TO MY LIFE

I did a little research myself on Bible Hub to have a clearer understanding of the passage at hand.. According to the Matthew Henry Commentary God can and will use others to return the Israelite s to their home. According to the Pulpit Commentary and depending on the version of the bible used the word “Nations” and “Gentiles” are used interchangeably. I like how it is stated in the Living Bible Isaiah 49:22 Living Bible (TLB) 22 The Lord God says, “See, I will give a signal to the Gentiles, and they shall carry your little sons back to you in their arms, and your daughters on their shoulders. So they- the Gentiles, will bring the children - or new converts (likely Jews and Gentiles)-back to Jerusalem and the Gentiles will be adopted (fostered) into the family. As a part of the family they should be nurtured, cared for and respected. When you see these things happening you will know there is only one God and you will not be disappointed for having placed your hope in Him.

So this is my take away from this passage: I have been called-for whatever reason; I am cared for and I will not be disappointed for placing my hope in the Lord- Jesus Christ!

What did you take from it?

*DEFINITIONS REVIEWED: beckon make a gesture with the hand, arm, or head to encourage someone to come nearer or follow banner synonyms: sign,  placard, poster, notice foster care for, take care of, look after nursing feed; bow an act of bending the head or upper body as a sign of respect or greeting

"REALLY"...EVEN BACK IN THE DAY?

Isaiah 49:20-21

*THE SCRIPTURE USED TODAY  -20 The children born during your bereavement    will yet say in your hearing,‘This place is too small for us;    give us more space to live in.’21 Then you will say in your heart,    ‘Who bore me these?I was bereaved and barren;    I was exiled and rejected.    Who brought these up?I was left all alone,    but these—where have they come from?’”

*MY INTERPRETATION: While you are in the midst of mourning over a lost love one, your children will have the nerve to complain about their living space and request more. You will ask yourself, “where did these children come from? I feel as if I am the one who is dead and rejected. Did I raise these children to act like this? I feel so alone and yet these children….they surely are not the children I raised.

*MY RESEARCH & REFLECTIONS OF THE PASSAGE APPLIED TO MY LIFE

How many times has my Mom asked herself this question? We-her children- have led her down this path one too many times. Now that we are parents, we have experienced those same emotions. I do not know how many times I have stated to my husband, “we did not raise her to be that way! Why does she act like that?” Well, obviously it is nothing new. If it occurred over 2000 years ago and was significant enough to leave it’s mark in the bible, then it was significant enough to inform us we are not in this alone. I don’t really know that that is a good thing or that it is even very reassuring, though. Nevertheless, eventually we look at those offspring of ours in pure amazement, with jaws hanging to the ground and the only thing we can think of is, "REALLY?"

*DEFINITIONS REVIEWED: bereaved be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, especially due to the loved one's death. barren bleak and lifeless exiled expel and bar (someone) from their native country, typically for political or punitive reasons. rejected dismiss as inadequate

Only Deployed...Not Abandoned or Forgotten

I would love to hear your feedback. Please leave a comment.

*THE SCRIPTURE USED TODAY Isaiah 49: 13 Shout for joy, you heavens;    rejoice, you earth;    burst into song, you mountains!For the Lord comforts his people    and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.14 But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,    the Lord has forgotten me.”15 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast    and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget,    I will not forget you! forgotten. 16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;    your walls are ever before me. 17 Your children hasten back,    and those who laid you waste depart from you. 18 Lift up your eyes and look around;    all your children gather and come to you. As surely as I live,” declares the Lord,    “you will wear them all as ornaments;    you will put them on, like a bride.

*MY INTERPRETATION: May excitement be evident all around, in the heavens, on the earth, up to the mountain top. Those who belong to the Lord, will be comforted because He is concerned about your pain and sufferings. The Place in Jerusalem where the city of David was built stated God had abandoned and forgotten them, comparing their relationship with God to that of a mother and a newborn. Stating although they felt forgotten, they would never forget about Him. To prove He has not forgotten them, He shows them His hands where He has engraved them. He reminds them that He is continuously focused on them. He reminds them of how their children returned home and their enemies left them. He instructs them to look around and see how their family is all together and that their children would make them proud.

*MY RESEARCH & REFLECTIONS OF THE PASSAGE APPLIED TO MY LIFE

Abandoned and forgotten. Sometimes when God doesn't answer my cry when I think He should, that is exactly how I feel. Have you ever been there? Despite the fact, I have many reasons to be proud of and to know He hasn't forgotten me, it is during those times when that the pain or trouble I’m experiencing has greater power over me than His love for me.

And that is exactly what the enemy would have me to think. He has intentions for my life just as God has plans for my life. If he can keep my focus off what I know is true- that God is for me, that He is always thinking about me, that He protects me and that He has given me many things to be proud of-then he has had a successful day. Our spiritual warfare occurs as a result of an intentional arrangement by an enemy of God and His children. We must be intentional in engaging in that warfare and get ready to face enemy resistance daily. I love what Stormie Omartian says in her book Prayer Warrior

“This is a spiritual battle. It is every bit as real as the fleshly battles waged on earth today, but in a spiritual war the way you do battle is to pray...God’s army is the only one where you can be deployed but you don't actually have to go anywhere. Your heart will be deployed to wherever God sends you in prayer.”

Are you ready to accept your deployment papers today?

*DEFINITIONS REVIEWED:

afflicted (of a problem or illness) cause pain or suffering to; affect or trouble.

compassion concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

forsaken abandoned or deserted.:

ornaments make (something) look more attractive

Sometimes waiting is for a reason...

*THE SCRIPTURE USED TODAY

Isaiah 49:7-9 12- This is what the Lord says—    the Redeemer  and Holy One of Israel—to him who was despised and abhorred by the nation,  to the servant of rulers: “Kings will see you and stand up,   princes will see and bow down , because of the Lord who is faithful,   the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you .” 8  This is what the Lord says: “In the time of my favor I will answer you,   and in the day of salvation I will help you; I will keep you and will make you be a covenant for the people, to restore the land   and to reassign its desolate inheritances. 9 to say to the captives,‘Come out,’    and to those in darkness, ‘Be free! ’“They will feed beside the roads and find pasture on every barren hill. 10 They will neither hunger nor thirst nor will the desert heat or the sun beat down on them. He who has compassion on them will guide them and lead them beside springs of water.11 I will turn all my mountains into roads,    and my highways will be raised up. 12 See, they will come from afar—    some from the north, some from the west,    some from the region of Aswan.”

*MY INTERPRETATION: This is what the Lord of Israel had to say to the ones He gave his life for, to the ones He is dedicated. To those who are despised and regarded with disgust by other nations, he says ‘You will be noticed, and exalted by those in high positions. Simply because I am unchanging, loyal and devoted [to you] but mainly because I have chosen you.  

It is because of my kindness that I will reply [to your situation] on the day you are delivered from your sin. I will make it easy for you. I will keep you and make you the promise for others to see. When you return, you will be given back your land as well as some of the deserted land (now flourishing).

I will say to those held prisoner “come out” and to those deep in their sin “be free”. Food and beauty will abound wherever you go or look. What was once without life will now be multiplied. No one will hunger, thirst, or suffer from the heat. I will guide you and meet all your needs. I will remove obstacles before you get to them. See all my people are coming home”.

*MY RESEARCH & REFLECTIONS OF THE PASSAGE APPLIED TO MY LIFE [I have been stuck in this passage for what seems like two weeks now. I feel this sometimes happens because God his holding me in that particular piece of passage to show me something at an appointed time. There have been so many of these times while reading Isaiah, that this has seemed to happen to me. I try not to get discouraged and simply wait for the Holy Spirit to reveal whatever it is my soul needs to receive. So here it is finally. I hope it speaks to you as well.

This is what the Lord spoke to me, I am the one He gave his life for, I am the one He is dedicated to. When I am despised and hated by others, he reminds me that he has a plan -I will be noticed and elevated to higher positions simply because he has chosen me. He is loyal and devoted to me [because I have chosen to be a Christ follower]. The day I made the decision to follow him is the day I accepted the devotion He had already promised to me.

He will send answers to help me make decisions, He will protect me from harm. My life will be an example of his promises when he rights the wrongs that have been against me and restores me; when he gives me that which was once abandoned but is now flourishing; when he uses me to help others break free from bondage, when he uses me to be a light to help others see restoration is possible. It is because of his compassion that I lack for nothing, that I have been protected, that I am led and continually replenished. He is the one directing my path. I simply have to take the steps. When I am not afraid to move out in obedience and do what He has called me to do, others will follow the Christ I serve.