....on being a Mother

Monday May 12

Yesterday was Mother’s day. Before church I was looking through an old prayer journal and found when I dedicated my marriage and  both Cody & Courtney back to you. I wrote,

“I dedicate my marriage to you Lord that you could use us as examples to

our families and children ...through our trials you will show us you  have

the answers. I thank you now for all the blessings you will give us and the

tribulations that you will see us through. I dedicate [Cody & Courtney] to

you….Lead me and Jamie to teach and raise them according to your word…

with every illness & every trial [they face], you will remind us that they are

yours and that you are allowing those circumstances to occur [for a reason]

....through your strength and power, Lord, we will make it through [anything

we must face].”

Our church had baby dedication yesterday as well. It was nice to come across that entry in my journal and then watch an official ceremony right after it. I know that when I dedicated Courtney on that 4th day of June in 1998, it was very emotional for me. We lived in Southaven, Ms. She was nineteen months old.

I believe it was as hard for me to ‘give her away’ then as it will be for her dad to walk her down the wedding aisle (not anytime soon).  I remember I was crying and thinking I do not know if the world would have a savior today if it had been left up to me to let my son die on the cross. I was only giving her back to Him by my word, I was not offering her life on a cross. Having a type A personality, and not one to easily relinquish control, I felt as if I was physically handing her over to someone else. And it hurt deeply...strange I know, but true.

In 1 Samuel it begins with Elkanah who is married to Hannah and Peninnah.  Peninnah had many children by Elkanah and Hannah was unable to have any. Penninah would “provoke her [Hannah] in order to irritate her” until she wept and refused to eat. (v 6-7) Elkanah could not understand why she allowed Penninah’s words to hurt her so bad. He felt his presence should have been enough to fill the void she had concerning not having children. [He just didn’t get it]. Hannah wept and poured out her soul to the Lord and she made a vow saying, “ O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

I know how Hannah felt. Prior to Courtney, I had lost three babies and desperately  wanted a child of my own. Shortly after learning I was pregnant, I began spotting and was immediately placed on bedrest for what seemed like forever- 1st trimester. It was during that time that I promised God if He would just give me this one child, I would do everything in my power to raise her according to His word - not religion- and that when He instructed me to, I would give her back to Him.

So that day in Southaven, when I knew He was prompting me to give her back, I wept as hard as I did the day I begged to keep her. But He had kept His promise by allowing me to hold her in my arms and love her the best I knew how and now it was my turn to keep my promise. At the time I was giving (dedicating) her back to God, I did not know how much peace it would offer me down the road. The times I felt powerless over her life, I would remind Him that she was His and it was His responsibility to protect her when I couldn’t.

I did my best to teach her about the Word of God and show her how God moved in our family and our lives. I knew I had to let her wings break out of the cocoon on their own- with Him watching- not me prying them open in an effort to only assist. Jamie and I have been able to go on trips without her and without being 'scared' something would happen. I do not think I would have had the peace to take any overnight trip without her if I had not given her back to Him.

When she faces struggles, I try so hard not to interfere. I try to remind her that we do not know why God is allowing her to go through the trials she faces, but she needs to trust Him to use them for His glory. I've tried to teach her to do all she can about any situation she faces and trust God to do the rest- especially with test [like algebra..uugh]. She is a lot like her mother with wanting to be 'perfect' in all she does. I am so very proud of her for achieving and doing her best, I am still working on helping her to celebrate her accomplishments, the baby steps that take her to her goals. She just wants to achieve the goals in a zap-uugghh the microwave society we live in.

I am so blessed to be a mom and after begging to be one, I  don't want to take it for granted. I know there are many that longed for that job title and for some reason God didn't allow it to happen. I pray for those that God will give you comfort and peace about it and one day hopefully you will have your answer as to why He didn’t allow it to come to pass. Working in the field of pediatrics for over 8 years, I have often questioned God as to why He chooses to 'allow' some to have children that will simply throw them in the trash and not those who would do anything to rescue that one from the trash.

All of this to say, I am blessed and God has given me the Greatest gift I could have asked for in her. Despite all our disagreements, moments of anger toward each other, and days of not liking each other, there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for her if I could. Unfortunately, I’m not always allowed to. I have accepted my responsibility of not doing some of those things, when God tells me not to- I don’t know who cries more me or her- but those are stories for another day. I love you Courtney, you have made me one proud mom!