The urge to quit when the journey before us is not what we had planned for our lives.

As I sat listening to T.D. Jakes this morning, his words brought to mind my sister-in-law and her battle with breast cancer. Here are his words.

' Even Jesus struggled with giving up. In the garden of Gethsemane He labored in prayer asking
God three times if He could get out of what lied before him; could He quit the plan assigned to him’ Lord is there a way I can get out of being me. Being me is not going so good. Being me is not what it’s cracked up to be. Daddy can I quit. [There is an urge in all of us to quit when the journey before us is not what we had planned for our lives. He knew that without God’s help He would not be able to finish His assignment]. Three times He prayed, “Not my will but yours”. '

Let's look at this scripture a little closer. Jesus Prays Matthew 26: 36-46

Jesus and His friends went to the garden of Gethsemane. Once there He told them to stay back while He went to another area to pray and be alone with God. He asked His friends to stay awake and keep watch with Him.  He had deep anguish; the sorrow of what was to come was crushing the life out of him. He asked God if there was any way possible for Him to avoid the suffering He was about to face, could He please get out of this plan set to take place, for this plan to be changed, removed, erased? But He knew the plan for Him to suffer had a much bigger purpose than His plan to quit, or give up could ever do, so He added to His prayer, ‘don’t do this for my sake, keep me in line with your plan’. He wanted to make sure He fulfilled His purpose for coming to earth.

After an hour or so, He took a break from praying to go check on His friends, who had fallen asleep. He woke them and said, ‘ You need to wake up and pray so that you are not tested. I know you want to do what is right, but you are letting your flesh overcome you. Pray for strength against temptation.’  

Then He left them to go pray some more. “My Father, if I must do this and it is not possible for me to escape it, then I pray that what you want will be done.” When he came back from praying to check on His friends, he again found them sound asleep. They simply couldn’t keep their eyes open.

This time he let them sleep on, and went back a third time to pray, going over the same ground one last time. When he came back the next time, he said, “Are you going to sleep on and make a night of it? My time is up, the Son of Man is about to be handed over to the hands of sinners. Get up! Let’s get going! My betrayer is here.” In other words, He accepted His fate. He didn’t look forward to it; however, He knew it had a bigger purpose. He was only able to face it head on because He had given it much prayer.

He could not even count on those He trusted and loved to stand beside Him. He had to go it alone. Not only was He feeling hurt and anguished but also abandoned as if no one cared what He was going through. I say to my dear Cindy, Jesus went through trials and suffering so He could relate to your feelings. He knows that you are scared and feel alone. That you are tired and hurting. He’s been there. If you can get to the point to where you can say, “Not my will but yours be done”, God will see you through just as He did his son.

Jesus is praying for you to endure this trial

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Correspondence Between the Disciple Peter and Me: Modern Day Emails

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Snoop into my emails....You know you want to

1 Peter 1: 6-9

Oh, Dear Friend,

I must say you keep me on my toes. Here you go again with the modern day acronyms. I know you have told me before but please remind me once again what 'TTYL' means. You know I am gaining in years. however, I do remember the LOL acronym and feel you may actually be doing so now. Anyway, let's get back to my reasons for writing you this letter.  

Now some of what we are about to discuss may seem slightly contradictory. But bear with me and I will try to give you the examples you need to help you fully understand. The paradox of the Christian life lies in it’s peculiarity, according to MacLaren's Expositions, the physical body belongs to and is exposed to all the influences of this world and yet the spiritual man belongs to and is influenced by things unseen yet eternal. Such dramatic opposition yet this coexistence  is where the secret of the Christian life lies. Consider, if you would, two seas. They “do not meet and interfere with one another, but one stream of water on the surface is running in one direction, and another below in an opposite direction. Now the Christian is like that. On the surface there is a stream of heaviness rolling with dark waves, but down in the depths there is a strong undercurrent of great rejoicing that is always flowing there” (C. H. Spurgeon.)

Consider also Nick Vujicic Born without any limbs, you could say he has faced a few trials in his life. Yet he uses his life and all it’s adversities to spread the love of Jesus. He understands that by maintaining his “central gladness” or keeping his primary focus on his future inheritance that he can face trials, yes even with JOY, and see them as merely “superficial sorrows” while here on this earth. It is this focus that sustains him and allows him to rejoice. Those without this sustaining power (non-Christians) have “superficial gladness” and “central sorrow”. (MacLaren's Expositions and Barnes' Notes on the Bible)

I do realize that Nick’s example is extreme and that most of us don’t face the trials he faces on a daily basis. But we each have our own unique set of trials. We could have struggles in our marriages, in our relationships with our children, in overcoming our past failures, in our finances, in our careers, with our health or in some combination of all of these. Whatever your current struggle is, and as difficult as it may be to endure, God has allowed it in order to build, change or adjust your character….something good WILL result from this trial.

The good from this trial will show you and the world that God knew what He was doing by allowing you to go through it. Once you come through this trial, your faith will be proven genuine.

Just as gold is put through fire to remove all the impurities, so will your faith. Gold will eventually perish but not your faith. When Jesus appears again it is your faith  that will  give praise, glory and honor to God because it allowed you to endure your trials . “The very gift of faith is a hint to you that you will want it, and that, at all points and in every place, you will really need it”(Spurgeon).

“Trial is the very element of faith. Faith without trial is like a diamond uncut, the brilliance of which has never been seen. Untried faith is such little faith that some have thought it no faith at all. What a fish would be without water or a bird without air, that would be faith without trial. The trial of your faith is sent to prove its sincerity, It must also be tested to prove its strength” (Spurgeon). Physically you may be grieving and suffering yet spiritually you are still able to rejoice because you know there are better things to come. If your current sufferings have somehow lessened your joy, know that it will not entirely obstruct it nor will the joy entirely deny the suffering. (Matthew Poole's Commentary)

My friend, you have never seen Jesus, and you don’t see him now yet still you love him and have faith in him. Just like wind, oxygen or gravity, you cannot see them yet you believe and trust that they will work in your life daily. This faith you have will sustain you.

Again I must close as the hours breeze by while I am writing you. I will talk to you later….ah ha….it just dawned on me what TTYL means as I have just written it. These young people creating all these acronyms are so clever. Anyway, have a blessed day and may God’s love and peace cover you today.

Dear Peter

You are not ‘gaining in age’....well maybe slightly. But who cares? Age is only a number. After all, look at you, using email now. You Go Cyber-Disciple! It is simply a matter of staying involved and that is what are you are doing. So keep at it young man....You got this...lol

No words can tell how glad and happy I am to be saved. That’s why I have faith. So often the struggles of this life are so heavy and dark I do not think I will make it through and you are right; it is the strong undercurrent that steadily flows with the reminders of what is yet to come that allows me to hang on to my joy during those trials. I have seen Nick on talk shows and heard several of his speeches. He is truly an inspiration and he exemplifies God's love so well.

I remember the days when I had “superficial gladness” and “central sorrow”. Just as I remember when it changed to “superficial sorrow” and “central gladness”.  Knowing that God is simply trying to build my character and make me the person He has created me to be doesn't necessarily make it easier. But the faith that something good will result from it and that my faith will be proven genuine, does help, a little.   To be honest, I wish He would get rid of the impurities with one giant fire instead of many fires that pop up unexpectedly. Then again, these little fires are tough enough, so um, I guess I take that back. No giant fire for me please.  

I must admit I think both the cut and uncut diamond are both very beautiful. But with a little scrubbing, chipping and polishing the cut diamond is brilliant and can reflect light in so many more directions than the uncut diamond. I can see how working my faith, placing me in some unwanted situations, and shaping me to resemble His likeness could cause me to reflect the light of the SON more into other people's lives.

You are right Peter, just as I do not feel the need to argue the proof of wind, oxygen or gravity neither do I need to argue the proof of God’s existence. I don’t have to see Him to know He is real. I have felt his presence just as I have felt the wind. Without him working in my life daily and the faith I have in my salvation, all of these trials would be futile.

I must admit, it is so refreshing to receive your emails. Most of what comes to my inbox is simply junk mail that tries to absorb my time and energy. Your emails allow me to stop and reflect on my purpose for being here. Thank you for taking the time to mentor me and remind me of the things that are truly important in this world. I hope one day I can be the same type of mentor for others. Until next time

. 

http://www.biblestudytools.com/commentaries/peoples-new-testament/1-peter/1.html

http://biblehub.com/sermons/1_peter/1-3.htm

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%201&version=CEV;GW;MSG;CEB;NIV

if 1 Peter were written as an email to me

I've been wanting to dive into the book of 1st Peter lately. Since it is written as a letter, I decided I wanted to 'rewrite' it as if it were a letter written to me. But since I would like to share my insights with you, I will begin with "Dear FRIEND"- that's me and you. The websites I use to assist me are Biblegateway.com, Biblestudytools.com, and Biblehub.com.  Sometimes I can get so consumed by all there is to learn and discover that before I know it two hours have gone by and I am only two verses into a chapter. That being said I made it through five verses today. So let's dive in. (1 Peter 1:1-5)

Dear Friend

You know that I personally follow Jesus, the One I believe to be the promised deliverer of the world. This is a shared letter: first I’m writing to God’s chosen people-the Jewish Christian- who have been banned from their own country, their own home. (And second, it is for you). God has a watchful eye over you and has made a way to help you live a life dedicated to Him. You may ask, ‘what is the way?’. It is the Holy Spirit which was given to you through the sacrifice of his blood.

Ahhh, I hear you asking now, "How can the Holy Spirit help me live a life dedicated to God?" Well, let’s consider the modern day threat of different types of viruses. The germs seem to loom everywhere. By disinfecting our homes and especially our hands, we keep the virus away. Think of the viruses as sin and the Holy Spirit as the disinfectant or soap. As we kill or wash away our sin with the disinfectant we are able to remain healthy (or receive God’s grace). Grace is what changes our way of thinking to God’s way of thinking. Without the disinfectant and grace we contaminate ourselves and others. I pray that God’s grace and peace be multiplied to you.

That is a pretty amazing God we have, don't you think? We are beyond blessed to have him. After all He is the Father of our Master Jesus-the one who was risen from the dead, the one who gave us a new life, a “living” hope to carry on and a future in heaven. This new life provides an inheritance that is kept in heaven and waiting for you. It can’t be destroyed or corrupted and won’t fade away. It is your faith in God that will save you until the day He returns and allows you to receive the inheritance He has promised to you.  ‘Hope’, as C.H. Spurgeon stated, ‘is what makes us seek after that which we expect to obtain {promised inheritance}’. Spurgeon continues, “ The only imperishable hope is that which climbs above the stars, and fixes itself upon the throne of God and the person of Jesus Christ.” Wow! What a picture.

{Friend I will close this email for today as it is getting late and I must accomplish more for this day. I will check for your response or any questions you may have and respond tomorrow. Have a great day in the Lord and may others see God shine through you.)

Dear Peter,

Yes, I am very aware of how dedicated you are to our Savior Jesus and I am so glad to have others to share with in our faith. It is very hard to believe that God’s chosen people have been banned from their own country. I can’t imagine what they will do, where they will go or how they must feel. The peace of knowing God is watching over them is what sustains them, I am sure. I know it is what sustains me.

It is funny how you know the questions I will ask before I even ask them. I loved your explanation of how the Holy Spirit helps us to live a dedicated life. You know how I love medical stuff and using a medical reference solidified the meaning for me. I could actually picture sin as dirt on my hands and pumping grace from the liquid soap dispenser and using cans of “Holy Spirit Lysol” to kill the viruses of sin. Loved it! Absolutely, loved it! And thank you for that blessing of grace and peace….I gladly accept it.

Yes is is so hard to imagine that the God of our savior Jesus, the God who rose Jesus from the dead, the God who gives me hope is storing treasures for me in heaven. Nothing and no one can take that away from me. Again, I love it when you provide examples to me… I am a very visual learner and they help me truly take to heart what you are trying to say to me. I can see myself climbing up the longest ladder in the world, climbing past the tree tops, past the skyscrapers, past the clouds, going deep into the stars and galaxies to grab a hold of God’s throne and saying, ‘Whew, I made it, God! Please show me the inheritance you have been holding for me...because I'm sure you know....that was one crazy climb’.

I hope you get some things accomplished today, Peter. I look forward to your email tomorrow. TTYL

Stac

http://www.biblestudytools.com/commentaries/peoples-new-testament/1-peter/1.html http://biblehub.com/sermons/auth/meyer/the_spirit_purifying_the_heart.htm

http://biblehub.com/sermons/auth/watson/the_beauty_of_grace.htm

http://biblehub.com/sermons/auth/spurgeon/a_string_of_pearls.htm  

Coming Full Circle

I'm writing most of my post on my Wordpress site now. Here is the link to the most current post Coming Full Circle. Hope you enjoy it. Feel free to share your thoughts.

on being fighting mad

Friday, June 13, 2014

[WARNING: I AM NOT YOUR AVERAGE CHRISTIAN. I DO NOT FIT INTO SOME MOLD OF EXPECTATIONS HELD BY MOST CHRISTIAN RELIGIONS. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN RELIGION IN AND OF ITSELF. I BELIEVE SOLELY IN THE BIBLE AND TRUST WHAT IT HAS TO SAY TO ME. I CHOSE TO FELLOWSHIP IN A SANCTUARY OF BELIEVERS UNDER THE TITLE OF ASSEMBLIES OF GOD; BUT THAT IS NOT WHO I AM . I AM SIMPLY A CHRISTIAN DEFINED BY THE BIBLE, NOT DOCTRINES. YOU ARE WARNED BECAUSE I AM LIKELY TO OFFEND SOME WITH THIS POST. THAT IS NOT MY INTENT. MY DECLARATION IS MADE PUBLIC AS A WARNING TO SATAN.]

Today my worst nightmare has been confirmed…. (this song popped into my head) “my past keeps playing with my head, failure strikes medown again, I’m reminded of the wrong, that I have said and done, and thatdevil just won’t let me forget”… The insanity set forth to destroy my life has shown me the grip it has on someone dear to me and my inability to undo it, proving once again I have failed…

My emotions are mixed. I’m mad at myself for letting my guard down when I knew better. I’m angry at God because I trusted Him to do what I couldn’t. I am beyond pissed at Satan…I can hear his snarly-ass snickering with an evil grin smeared across his face that I would love to slap off. Unfortunately it is not “flesh and blood I wrestle against, but principalities, against powers, rulers of darkness and spiritual host of wickedness “(Eph 6:12). He is just hoping this is one more setback in my life that will finally make me cave and stop trusting God to see me through. The saying, “I’m going to beat the hell out of you” has never been truer than now and if only God would give me the opportunity and power to do it.  I would take Satan on single handedly if I knew Jesus didn’t already have it covered. (Satan doesn’t want me to pull out all my UFC moves- I keep them hidden for a reason).  So many more emotions tied up within my stomach…. I’m not even going to describe or discuss. Doing so simply elevates Satan instead of Christ, the one I want elevated

So , Satan, I declare WAR  on you this day, it is time for you and all your cronies to be on guard. I have a sword you WILL NEVER defeat.  It was given to me to “whoop dattaaa” [watch Meet the Browns you will know what I’m saying]….and “whoop” is being nice… You’ve chosen this battle but I am not sure you remember who you are coming against. It is not I that has and will continue to defeat you but Jesus (1John 4:4) However, the leader of this army has CHOSEN ME (Eph 1:4-5).  So guess whose side I’m on??? - THE WINNING SIDE- and guess what that makes me… a winner too.  BOOYA!!!!  

I AM a child of THE KING (Gal.4:4-7) sealed with more promise than I have even yet to learn (Eph. 1:13). I am the head and not the tail (Deut. 28.13). You, are the tail, (Isa. 9:15) the one who teaches lies and is the father of ALL lies. (John 8:44) Maybe you have forgotten Jesus has destroyed your power against me, since I am one filled with the Holy Spirit (Col. 2:15), an overcomer (1 John 4:4), a believer equipped to perform great works that will glorify MY HEAVENLY FATHER (John 14: 12-14)

I will not be defeated. The Commander and Chief of the army I serve  will never let me down, always stick beside me and PROTECT me from evil. (2 Thes. 3:3). I live and move in him; I can’t get away from him (Acts 17:26). Through Jesus, I have already been given the victory (1 Cor 15:57).

You … demand proof that Christ speaks throughme, [believe me, you] will get more than you bargained for. You’ll get the fullforce of Christ, don’t think you won’t. He was sheer weakness and humiliationwhen he was killed on the cross, but oh, he’s alive now—in the mighty power ofGod! [I wasn’t] much to look at, either, when [I was] humiliated [by] you, butwhen [I] deal with you this next time; I’ll be alive in Christ, AND strengthened by God.  (The Message Bible) My UFC (United For Christ) moves are out!You have been warned. I am not lying down and I am no easy target. 

THE BIBLE WAS GIVEN TO ME BY A MIGHTY GOD AS A SWORD THAT I HAVE PICKED UP AND PLAN TO SWING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON UNTIL I FEEL THE NEED TO REGAIN MY SANITY…UNTIL THEN MARK MY WORDS:  This is my bible: I have what it says I have. I am what it says I am. I am CONFIDENT not intimidated, meek or insecure, STRONG  and not weak, FOCUSED and not scattered, ABOVE and not below, THE HEAD and not the tail, A LEADER not a follower, SUCCESSFUL not a failure, more than a CONQUEROR; EQUIPPED, EMPOWERED, WELL-ABLED to ACCOMPLISH my dreams and GOD’S PLANS FOR ME. GOD STANDS BESIDE ME, GOES BEFORE ME AND PREPARES MY WAY

 

....on surviving a snake bite- I know, only me...

Ophidiophobia -the fear of snakes. I definitely have this now so more than ever!

So I have lived in the boondocks now for over 14 years. I have always worried about snakes and spiders biting me or a family member and I have attempted to take the necessary precautions to prevent that from happening. At times this has meant running from them as they slither sneakily across my yard- only to remember I was leaving my child behind.  Not good, I know! But she is fine, safe, nothing happened to her, I promise- just heat failure for me.

 I have thrown rocks at them, chopped them with a hoe or ran over them with my car.  I always look where I'm stepping when walking in the grass or wear crocs that look like Sweden wooden shoes (not the ones with holes in them) for added protection.My philosophy is the only good snake is a dead snake and after Tuesday night that will be my motto for life. Did you know, according to WebMD, “a dead snake, even one with a severed head, can still bite and release venom by reflex action for up to 90 minutes after it dies.”

Here’s my story for all those that have been curious: on 5/20/14 my daughter and I returned home from watching Moms Night Out - a hilarious must see for everyone; you will not be disappointed. It was about 10pm when we pulled into the driveway. I gathered my stuff and as I was about even with her tire I felt an extremely sharp puncture to my right foot. I wanted to think it was a piece of metal but I knew, that I knew, that I knew that it was definitely not a piece of metal.  I didn't want to look but knew I had to. So when I did, I saw the scrawny, evil -eyed monster ready to strike again and I jumped forward so I could lean on the hood of the car. Now my scream occurred simultaneously with all the thoughts that were racing through my brain, to which my daughter responded "WHAT?" in her death rattling response.  I replied, "Go get your dad, I've been bitten by a snake,"

I heard the echoes of her calls to her dad as she ran to the back of the house to awaken him from a sound sleep. While awaiting his presence, the thoughts that raced through my head were "I am a nurse, what do I do, ...I do not know what to do....shouldn't I know what to do....stay calm, don't move, ...why don't I know what to do....stay calm...if I squeeze above my ankle will that slow the circulation,....should I elevate my leg to decrease circulation, ...I know it's important to stay calm and don't move… STAY CALM. 

When Jamie arrived- in his under roo’s--the snake long sincee has gone bye-bye- thank God-& I'm leaning there on the hood of the car, my crap scattered on the ground around me, hanging on to my ankle with both hands, and my leg held up in the air- likely looking like a ballerina. (Do you have this picture in your head). I told him to get dressed and take me to the hospital. Courtney was trying to be helpful and asked what she should do. I had her pick up my stuff and take it into the house. I later found out she was freaking out to have to bend down with a snake lurking around there somewhere. 

.

Jamie returned in a panic, still trying to wake up. He scooped me up and carried me to the truck. Let's just say it was a -musical strain, um … walk...as he carried me. The fear of not knowing what to do kept me from laughing at him and his unexpected musical serenade but now I can barely type this without cracking a rib. Courtney brought me an ice pack and T-shirt to wrap around it. Jamie drove about 80-90 to the hospital. As he drove I called a doctor I used to work with to see if I should use the ice or not. She had never dealt with  snake bites before so she didn't know. I called my friend that worked in the ER and she didn't know. So I felt better that I wasn't the only medical person that didn't know what to do.  

We arrived at Kennett hospital about 10:15. They took vitals, and drew some blood. Watched me for about 2 hours, gave me a dose of keflex and sent me home. Once home and in bed- around 1, I told Jamie the inside of my leg felt like a giant bruise. This is what I awakened to this the next morning. See picture.

    And it was very painful and tender. After attempting to get up and learning that walking was not going to occur to day, I laid back on the bed, began to cry like a baby, and texted my mother to come over. PPLLLEEEAAASSSEEEE In the mean time, I lowered myself to the floor, to figure out how I was going to get to the bathroom. Having hardwood floors, crawling on my knees was not an option, so I sat on my butt and pulled myself backwards to the bathroom to attempt to start my day. While scooting backwards, if I came across anything I felt I might need throughout the day, I piled it in my lap. So needless to say by the time I made it to the bathroom, I had a pile of books in my lap and my floor was getting very clean. (Again, do you have this picture in your head).

Mom drove me to  a follow-up appointment I made with a NP friend of mine in Blytheville. The first thing she did was call poison control- poison control was not called the night before; they questioned her as to why they had not been called for which she had no answer. (Hence this is the reason I go to NP’s- I’ve found they tend to follow protocol. I have some great Drs. and great Dr. friends but I prefer to see NP’s on a regular basis). Anyway, by the time I arrived to her office, the area on my leg had increased slightly size. (see picture below)

Poison control instructed her to take me to the ER, have them draw more labs and monitor me for awhile. I called my husband to have him come up there with me. He was scared to death; he even called the pastor to pray for me. I tried to tell him I wouldn’t die that easily but he wouldn’t listen. (Glad he loves me though). I stayed there a couple more hours. Labs were still normal with only a slightly elevated prothrombin time (PT). A PT test, along with other labs, are used to determine how long it takes blood to clot. Snake venom can cause bleeding concerns. I was discharged once again and told to return if my whole leg turned blue or if I had difficulty breathing.  

Here are some pictures of the progression of how my leg changed over the next 48 hours or so.  Remember this is the inside of my right thigh and my beautiful Fiona foot (Fiona-from Shrek) below.  Luckily, as you can see, only one fang punctured my foot. It appears that the other fang must have hit the strap of my flip-flop

According to the Missouri Department of Conservation (MDC) when it comes to snake bites one of the most important factors is personal sensitivity. Some people are more allergic to snake venom, just as some people have a more serious reaction to insect stings. Snake bites are more serious for very young and very old people and those with compromised health. The location of the bite is important, too. Least serious are those to the hands and feet, which is good because that’s where most people are bitten. I had what was considered a large, local reaction which can take up to 10 days to improve.

5/26/14

So what did I learn from all of this:

1. Use a flashlight when I get out of the car at night. Snakes do NOT care that it is MY driveway, nor are they in a hurry to move when a vehicle pulls up in the driveway. I thought the vibration from a vehicle would keep them out of the driveway, and never dreamed one would be there.

2. Just because I’m a nurse doesn’t mean I have to know how to treat everything. Because snake bites are rare, most medical personnel are unfamiliar with the protocol. I did some things right: Remained calm, kept extremity as still as possible, went to the emergency room. If you don’t use the skills you learn, you lose them. This was only my second exposure to a snake bite and the other one was during my 1st year as a nurse.

3. What not to do for a snake bite: do not apply ice; do not apply tourniquet -some pressure will decrease circulation but do not occlude circulation. Elevation is controversial so it’s best to keep the extremity at the level of the heart. (Decreased elevation leads to increased swelling and possibly compartment syndrome; increased elevation leads to increased circulation to the heart.)

4. Most people bitten by a snake do not receive antivenom.

5. Allergic reactions depends upon the individual’s sensitivity to venom. (Guess I’m sensitive)

6. Call poison control immediately

6.Snakebite ranks just above falling space debris as a threat to human life. (MDC) Guess I should have played the lottery that day.

I'm still improving each day. Today is one week, so I expect complete recovery before the weekend. Another tally mark for Jesus….Satan you should know better by now, My God has plans for me. Why can't you comprehend that!!!

Now if only I could just stop seeing “snakes” everywhere I go….or at least everything initially looks like a snake which is enough to make me jump on your shoulders. Be prepared...

....on being a Mother

Monday May 12

Yesterday was Mother’s day. Before church I was looking through an old prayer journal and found when I dedicated my marriage and  both Cody & Courtney back to you. I wrote,

“I dedicate my marriage to you Lord that you could use us as examples to

our families and children ...through our trials you will show us you  have

the answers. I thank you now for all the blessings you will give us and the

tribulations that you will see us through. I dedicate [Cody & Courtney] to

you….Lead me and Jamie to teach and raise them according to your word…

with every illness & every trial [they face], you will remind us that they are

yours and that you are allowing those circumstances to occur [for a reason]

....through your strength and power, Lord, we will make it through [anything

we must face].”

Our church had baby dedication yesterday as well. It was nice to come across that entry in my journal and then watch an official ceremony right after it. I know that when I dedicated Courtney on that 4th day of June in 1998, it was very emotional for me. We lived in Southaven, Ms. She was nineteen months old.

I believe it was as hard for me to ‘give her away’ then as it will be for her dad to walk her down the wedding aisle (not anytime soon).  I remember I was crying and thinking I do not know if the world would have a savior today if it had been left up to me to let my son die on the cross. I was only giving her back to Him by my word, I was not offering her life on a cross. Having a type A personality, and not one to easily relinquish control, I felt as if I was physically handing her over to someone else. And it hurt deeply...strange I know, but true.

In 1 Samuel it begins with Elkanah who is married to Hannah and Peninnah.  Peninnah had many children by Elkanah and Hannah was unable to have any. Penninah would “provoke her [Hannah] in order to irritate her” until she wept and refused to eat. (v 6-7) Elkanah could not understand why she allowed Penninah’s words to hurt her so bad. He felt his presence should have been enough to fill the void she had concerning not having children. [He just didn’t get it]. Hannah wept and poured out her soul to the Lord and she made a vow saying, “ O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

I know how Hannah felt. Prior to Courtney, I had lost three babies and desperately  wanted a child of my own. Shortly after learning I was pregnant, I began spotting and was immediately placed on bedrest for what seemed like forever- 1st trimester. It was during that time that I promised God if He would just give me this one child, I would do everything in my power to raise her according to His word - not religion- and that when He instructed me to, I would give her back to Him.

So that day in Southaven, when I knew He was prompting me to give her back, I wept as hard as I did the day I begged to keep her. But He had kept His promise by allowing me to hold her in my arms and love her the best I knew how and now it was my turn to keep my promise. At the time I was giving (dedicating) her back to God, I did not know how much peace it would offer me down the road. The times I felt powerless over her life, I would remind Him that she was His and it was His responsibility to protect her when I couldn’t.

I did my best to teach her about the Word of God and show her how God moved in our family and our lives. I knew I had to let her wings break out of the cocoon on their own- with Him watching- not me prying them open in an effort to only assist. Jamie and I have been able to go on trips without her and without being 'scared' something would happen. I do not think I would have had the peace to take any overnight trip without her if I had not given her back to Him.

When she faces struggles, I try so hard not to interfere. I try to remind her that we do not know why God is allowing her to go through the trials she faces, but she needs to trust Him to use them for His glory. I've tried to teach her to do all she can about any situation she faces and trust God to do the rest- especially with test [like algebra..uugh]. She is a lot like her mother with wanting to be 'perfect' in all she does. I am so very proud of her for achieving and doing her best, I am still working on helping her to celebrate her accomplishments, the baby steps that take her to her goals. She just wants to achieve the goals in a zap-uugghh the microwave society we live in.

I am so blessed to be a mom and after begging to be one, I  don't want to take it for granted. I know there are many that longed for that job title and for some reason God didn't allow it to happen. I pray for those that God will give you comfort and peace about it and one day hopefully you will have your answer as to why He didn’t allow it to come to pass. Working in the field of pediatrics for over 8 years, I have often questioned God as to why He chooses to 'allow' some to have children that will simply throw them in the trash and not those who would do anything to rescue that one from the trash.

All of this to say, I am blessed and God has given me the Greatest gift I could have asked for in her. Despite all our disagreements, moments of anger toward each other, and days of not liking each other, there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for her if I could. Unfortunately, I’m not always allowed to. I have accepted my responsibility of not doing some of those things, when God tells me not to- I don’t know who cries more me or her- but those are stories for another day. I love you Courtney, you have made me one proud mom!

Let Them See You in Me

My Prayer 

"Let Them See You"

Take away the melodies
Take away the songs I sing
Take away all the lights
And all the songs You let me write
Does the man I am today
Say the words You need to say

Let them see You
In me
Let them hear You
When I speak
Let them feel You
When I sing
Let them see You
Let them see You
In me

Who am I without Your grace
Another smile, another face
Another breath, a grain of sand
Passing quickly through Your hand
I'd give my life, an offering
Take it all, take everything

Let them see You
In me
Let them hear You
When I speak
Let them feel You
When I sing
Let them see You
Let them see You
In me

With every breath I breathe
I sing a simple melody
But I pray they'll hear more than a song
In me, in me

Let them see You
In me
Let them hear You
When I speak
Let them feel You
When I sing
Let them see You

Oh, let them see You
In me
Let them hear You
When I speak
Let them feel You
When I sing
Let them see You
Just let them see You in me
Let them see You